About six months ago someone said one of the most profound things anyone has ever said to me. The force with which this rocked me cannot be overstated. I mean, think around it. What could you say to someone when they notice that, “You like mean girls.”Read More »
My tired mind almost caved this morning. There were voices trying to convince me that I could cheat this morning, giving in to my drowsiness and sleeping in, which by all accounts I did, as one foot wouldn’t fall in front of another until 04:25. Those little voices try to tell everybody what to do, don’t they? Think back to times when you’ve had to make a choice, and it is literally like having an argument, scratch that, it is usually more like hearing an argument between two personal impersonators. It seems most people believe this is the process of them choosing, like they have control over the little voices in their heads.Read More »
The old habit came back easily. It might be a stretch to call any of my newer habits old at this point, but— I am already tripping over my words. Haven’t done the 04:20 wake up in a few months, and I sure as DNA haven’t been writing before 05:00 since the spring. Damn it feels good. I mean it too. Maybe it’s just pride in my self-control, but I feel really powerful, perhaps a little sleepy too. A little sleepy can be handled under these conditions, which is to say the conditions of health. There is a major difference this time, and it is not a trivial one.Read More »
After a long meditation this morning I decided whether or not to write about the recent religious violence. I imagine many people wish, or at least expect, me to rail on the Orlando shooting at some point. This is not going to happen, as many of my colleagues† have already done this at length. The voice is loud and most of you, my Gentle Readers, know I have been expressing the evidence that religiousness is mental pathology for years now. No, today I will stick to my guns. Of course, the internet has made easily available the flood of crazy extremists that will now descend on the public with righteousness. After all, there is only one rule to socially acceptable behavior: everyone is doing it, so can you. Read More »
Another Sunday is upon us. The weekend, which had some interesting twists and turns, will end one of the most productive weeks in years.
One of my musician clients landed a sponsorship deal that will make the venue we work out of even more friendly. Which isn’t to say that this venue hasn’t been friendly, quite the contrary. But, the addition of a sponsorship (the first of many to come we hope) along with the residency at this venue has been a huge windfall. It is rare that I bathe in good news, and while that is some of it from this week, there is more.Read More »
“Every picture is of you when you were younger. Ain’t that about time someone said that?” ~ Mitch Hedberg
Life seems to be moving with a quickening pace. Not that time is passing quickly; yesterday seems like a month ago. There is just lots to everyday. And the days feel professional, which is a nice change from my normal sad and regretful. Sad and regretful being my current baseline, I am amazed with my callouses built in response to depression.
I am not depressed anymore. I have no problem getting up and doing my thing. There are daily disappointments in behavior, e.g. drinking soda, few tears for a past mistake, or procrastinating an important phone call. A series of unhealthy daydreams may flow through my head, or I might miss an opportunity to meditate or practice yoga. Temptation for anxiety abounds, but I don’t freeze up, pacing my house for six hours. I am excited to have opportunities to create, discuss, and learn, and the moments of laughter are numerous in my life.Read More »
So, I’ve had this issue. More relationship crap. Early apologies for what I am about to dump on to the internet.
See, she officially left me seven months ago, the relationship didn’t really exist anymore nine months ago. I want to report to everyone that I am no longer in love and blocking her has been a successful way to put her from my everyday life.
As you have already guessed, all efforts have been huge failures. The few, little, near-hit new relationships which I’ve tried to show interest in have all been flimsy because of this factor, at least in part. Going into honest and new relationships with people is likely best attempted with a clear mind and innocent heart.
Of course, that’s hooey.Read More »
The good news is that it has been a pretty cool morning. Ivy had some getting off to school without anxiety issues this morning, but nothing too traumatic, more operatic. Nana let me know that she’d be yard-sale hunting this morning, and that she wanted to take Ivy to school. I don’t think this lessened any of her anxieties, but they certainly opened up my schedule for meditation and writing. Which I have done happily.
Meditation this morning ended up being particularly healthy. I kept it simple. Fifteen minutes in a broken lotus, which did bring a crescendo of pain in my right ankle throughout the meditation, brought a much needed exercise in letting go of many processing thoughts and emotions. Some of them were negative, naturally, but letting go of the good emotions and feelings is just as important, for it is difficult to gather new positive memories and thoughts if we hold onto the past’s joy. As well, it just so happens actually having fun accomplishments to share this morning means, Gentle Reader, this is a good day to be reading an MM.Read More »
The writing difficulties, which I believe these are well documented in recent MMs, have continued a bit, perhaps diminished. The most direct result has been morning meditations that get started but never finished. I’ve been trying out and then testing a method of composition for times when I am not able to be at the computer. This method is talk to text dictation, then I can go back through and edit at the keyboard when I get the thirty minutes to knock it out.
I have tried now tried to dictate the last three MMs. Until today, I had yet to find my proper stride allowing me to finish an MM. It had been working out well for a few hundred words here or there. Today it seems I will overcome this hurdle. That does feel good. Of course, this hasn’t been the only problem.Read More »
“I am the man who has seen affliction under the rod of his wrath; he has driven and brought me into darkness without any light; surely against me he turns his hand again and again the whole day long.” (Lamentations 3.1-3)
This is the exact type passage from The Bible that I seek to remedy. ‘Tis also the exact type passage that allowed religion to keep its grubby, filthy fingers squeezing hard against my emotional esophagus. I am often caught saying, “It is an angry universe.” But, I say this as metaphor for the struggle inherent in survival. This particular passage speaks of prophecy and the destruction of Zion.1 The surrounding passages give the notion that it is permissible to think that trauma can be preordained by god, carried out as you wither and plead. As the book of Job2 shows us, god will spare no child or loved one when it is time for you to be crushed by his awesome, unjustified, and inescapable wrath (or whim, “Remember Er!”3)Read More »