Some of you may have noticed a complete internet silence from me over the last 48 hours. For very good reason I assure you. See, I have a few health issues, and one of those happens to be intestinal. Prone to infections, I had an attack that nearly forced me to the hospital. 36 hours of intense abdominal cramps have left me sore to the touch on the left and lower abdomen. I’ve lay in a hospital bed for three days on the surgery ward just waiting to have my guts sliced open. Fortunately, I have avoided the knife thus far, but I’ve been hospitalized twice for this and the last 48 hours have had me in a scare.Read More »
Woof! That was a day of genuine funk. I woke yesterday with rage burning through me. Everything I did in efforts to shake it failed. I only took a little of it out on those around me, trying to check myself moment to moment. I ended up reading and reading and reading some more. The Life of Charlotte Brontë by Elizabeth Gaskell fell first, followed by Soul Music by Terry Pratchett. I have this other thing too, when I finish a book, I get the next one out and read the first few pages. Well, I prefer to read the first 10 or so pages to get me rolling. So, I replaced E. Gaskell with Mary Shelley’s Frankenstein and moved to the next Pratchett book on the shelf, Equal Rites. Me being me and yesterday being yesterday, Equal Rites almost didn’t make it to today. I stopped 25 pages short to have dinner and go to a house-warming shindig. I’ve not finished a book in one day for quite some time. Not a streak I am trying to break, but sometimes a bad day comes and one just has to bury themselves in four books to stave off the demons.Read More »
There are thousands of years of history that will empirically prove that the common person has had almost no say in government. Yes, you should participate if you are fortunate enough to be born in a society where that is allowed, but unless you are willing to be arrested right now, at work or home, grocery store or bus for the change you seek, and even then your voice means next to nothing in the design of the ruling class—unless you are the ruling class. Are you?Read More »
“I must premise, that I have nothing to do with the origin of the primary mental powers, any more than I have with life itself.” ~ Charles Darwin, The Origin of Species, 173
Darwin wrote this line the opening paragraph of “Ch. VII Instinct” from his master work. I have always thought it a curious way to express what he really means, which is he doesn’t know how cognition arose any more than he could explain how life came to exist. But taken out of context, this is a deepity (thank you Daniel Dennett for this stealing this term from a teenager; brilliance may come at any age) of magnificent proportions. On the surface it sounds profound, but really, it is meaningless. Nobody has had anything to do with either of those. All we can do is experiment and observe both of those things. Sure, we can manipulate those things, and design electronics that can almost mimic them, but nobody is in control of those things. They are systems in the universe, nothing more. Read More »
Another Sunday is upon us. The weekend, which had some interesting twists and turns, will end one of the most productive weeks in years.
One of my musician clients landed a sponsorship deal that will make the venue we work out of even more friendly. Which isn’t to say that this venue hasn’t been friendly, quite the contrary. But, the addition of a sponsorship (the first of many to come we hope) along with the residency at this venue has been a huge windfall. It is rare that I bathe in good news, and while that is some of it from this week, there is more.Read More »
“Every picture is of you when you were younger. Ain’t that about time someone said that?” ~ Mitch Hedberg
Life seems to be moving with a quickening pace. Not that time is passing quickly; yesterday seems like a month ago. There is just lots to everyday. And the days feel professional, which is a nice change from my normal sad and regretful. Sad and regretful being my current baseline, I am amazed with my callouses built in response to depression.
I am not depressed anymore. I have no problem getting up and doing my thing. There are daily disappointments in behavior, e.g. drinking soda, few tears for a past mistake, or procrastinating an important phone call. A series of unhealthy daydreams may flow through my head, or I might miss an opportunity to meditate or practice yoga. Temptation for anxiety abounds, but I don’t freeze up, pacing my house for six hours. I am excited to have opportunities to create, discuss, and learn, and the moments of laughter are numerous in my life.Read More »
So, I’ve had this issue. More relationship crap. Early apologies for what I am about to dump on to the internet.
See, she officially left me seven months ago, the relationship didn’t really exist anymore nine months ago. I want to report to everyone that I am no longer in love and blocking her has been a successful way to put her from my everyday life.
As you have already guessed, all efforts have been huge failures. The few, little, near-hit new relationships which I’ve tried to show interest in have all been flimsy because of this factor, at least in part. Going into honest and new relationships with people is likely best attempted with a clear mind and innocent heart.
Of course, that’s hooey.Read More »
The good news is that it has been a pretty cool morning. Ivy had some getting off to school without anxiety issues this morning, but nothing too traumatic, more operatic. Nana let me know that she’d be yard-sale hunting this morning, and that she wanted to take Ivy to school. I don’t think this lessened any of her anxieties, but they certainly opened up my schedule for meditation and writing. Which I have done happily.
Meditation this morning ended up being particularly healthy. I kept it simple. Fifteen minutes in a broken lotus, which did bring a crescendo of pain in my right ankle throughout the meditation, brought a much needed exercise in letting go of many processing thoughts and emotions. Some of them were negative, naturally, but letting go of the good emotions and feelings is just as important, for it is difficult to gather new positive memories and thoughts if we hold onto the past’s joy. As well, it just so happens actually having fun accomplishments to share this morning means, Gentle Reader, this is a good day to be reading an MM.Read More »
The writing difficulties, which I believe these are well documented in recent MMs, have continued a bit, perhaps diminished. The most direct result has been morning meditations that get started but never finished. I’ve been trying out and then testing a method of composition for times when I am not able to be at the computer. This method is talk to text dictation, then I can go back through and edit at the keyboard when I get the thirty minutes to knock it out.
I have tried now tried to dictate the last three MMs. Until today, I had yet to find my proper stride allowing me to finish an MM. It had been working out well for a few hundred words here or there. Today it seems I will overcome this hurdle. That does feel good. Of course, this hasn’t been the only problem.Read More »
“I am the man who has seen affliction under the rod of his wrath; he has driven and brought me into darkness without any light; surely against me he turns his hand again and again the whole day long.” (Lamentations 3.1-3)
This is the exact type passage from The Bible that I seek to remedy. ‘Tis also the exact type passage that allowed religion to keep its grubby, filthy fingers squeezing hard against my emotional esophagus. I am often caught saying, “It is an angry universe.” But, I say this as metaphor for the struggle inherent in survival. This particular passage speaks of prophecy and the destruction of Zion.1 The surrounding passages give the notion that it is permissible to think that trauma can be preordained by god, carried out as you wither and plead. As the book of Job2 shows us, god will spare no child or loved one when it is time for you to be crushed by his awesome, unjustified, and inescapable wrath (or whim, “Remember Er!”3)Read More »