Morning Meditations #126: More Mirrors

mm-126I see again, the power of mirrors. This MM comes, once again, from a place of sadness. Sadness comes. Sadness goes.   The reason for my sadness is a relationship ending. Not a particularly long one. A powerful one though. I suppose all the good ones will seem to be. I know many likely feel a sense of satisfaction, an “I knew she was crazy, told you so,” will be unavoidable in more than a couple of minds. That’s an easy feeling to justify. I sacrificed a few things, not too many, but a few. Anyone caught up in that mess may have their satisfaction, because she left more than a bruised ego and broken heart for me.  The power of mirrors brings a deep solace, and when I am wrong, amazing things happen.

Rage

This characteristic seen in many of our mammalian cousins serves such a valuable purpose in the day to day of evolution. Similarly in my life, evolution has come after rage ensues. In the past it has always been my rage that brings a social extinction event. It has been difficult to see it from the other side, to be the target of undeserved rage.

The Power of Mirrors

The awful power of mirrors. That power is awful because it is our reflection. We get a brief window to see ourselves as others have seen us. And when it comes to rage, my stomach turns. I still have it. But, over the last couple of years, a little less maybe, my rage has seen very little expression. The freedom from it and its results have made me a better person and given me a better experience of living. Which makes seeing it in others, especially those we love, ridiculously painful.

To feel that rage aimed at me, to hear the insults and lies which are only said to cause pain, my loneliness is hurtful, but to witness somebody in that state reveals my hurtful, dangerous past. I put the people I claimed to love in harms way—for nothing. The result of an irrational fear of disconnection. I believe her rage stems from trauma incurred from disconnection in her past. I would not claim that as truth.

Our stories tell our tales.

The Gift

As though there weren’t millions of reasons to accept and release our rage, this experience will rank among the highest on my personal list. To see the harm she would do to herself, and to watch it bleed over to others in her life. I admit I asked her to leave. I have to maintain the boundaries I set to mitigate rage in my home. After all, we betray loved ones in those moments. I am done betraying my loved ones with rage, as well as nurturing environments where I can be betrayed by rage.

I don’t feel I am bettered by this gift, but it’s the one I will always remember from her.

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s