“What am I writing for?” I spent a few moments before I began writing this. These moments were spent trying to think about what I am actually writing about. Or, as the title would suggest, what is my purpose for writing? See, I’ve taken the last few months off of writing for An Arkansas Atheist and The Free Thinking Press, and freely admitting, it’s been due to a bit of a writing crisis. Perhaps more than that too. Maybe a creative crisis. Maybe a lifestyle crisis. There is little to no way of really knowing, I could have any or all of those going on right now, but ninety counselors would see ninety different Rances on any given day. It isn’t the subject matter either.
Even though a novel will bear my name sooner than later, my focus subjects are still the ones most passionately followed; religion is still foolishness.
The mind-brain connection remains a great mystery and must be better understood for quality of life to be maximized on this planet. As well, I still am loving wholeheartedly despite taking a recent haymaker. Determinism makes the most sense to me of all the philosophies, and my struggles with mental health are still a point of strength within my life. So what’s been missing?
Yoga and meditation also stopped when my writing stopped. Health has been less of a focus lately. And I have been on FB 10 times in a more than a month. Strange. I am not sure what is more important to what anymore. It seems more than silly to write an MM when I am not in fact meditating. I have been rather busy living “The Story of An Arkansas Atheist,” which explains why I am not trying to compose those entries right now. My FB page had been understandably devoid of quotes via The Bible, so haven’t had a lot of fodder there (although last night somebody through one right at my face). Blog numbers were down anyway, this being an election year means people’s attempts to alleviate concerns regarding fulfilled living and self-forgiveness will be searched for at the polling stations and during presidential debates. Funny how so many turn from the mirror to watch the a spectacle. Only to realize that since they last looked in the mirror, they have changed. Not me. I turned from the ruckus to stare into the mirror, and have been more than pleased with the changes felt, noticed, and witnessed.
By giving voice to these newly observed states of self, the products of a year of change can now really be seen. Oh, there have been setbacks, heartbreak, and anger, but by giving all these life situations a safe space within myself, I don’t feel the rage and fear like I used to, or if I do, they don’t affect me with so much suffering. Yet, in some ways this goodness has been a badness.
There is less of my classic motivators, rage and pain, giving me less to write about. By calm and steady progress, I am back on some type of academic track. My academic form is rusty, but it has been a great experience except for a few failures.
As well, my creative side has found many outlets considering Capture Crew videos are coming out as well as The Songwriters Circle’s videos.
I composed most of this in Peenemunde, my home away from home. I consider that place my savior. I’ve had a few great friends through all of this, but nothing does for me what my sanctuary can do.
Ivy is cruising through 1st grade with smiles and energy. Life has thrown some crazy shit at me, but I have chucked it right back. So much beauty and creativity has been present in my life over the last couple of months, it has been a lot to lose, but even the hard to accept and painful seem less excruciating to overcome.
While there are some things in this existence that cannot be sorted out with a few tears and a few reasons to smile, I hope to have a life populated with ones that can. So far, for now, I am getting that done. And it makes me proud to be me.