Ivy starts school in three days. I start back on campus shortly after that. I am really stoked that the summer is coming to a close. They’re always times of struggle for me. This was a mild summer to say the least, so many wins professionally and personally. Yet, I still felt powerless most of the time. When I say that, it doesn’t mean what it usually means. Think of it more literally. I felt powerless most of the time, despite being very productive. I felt powerless although I revealed some of my most powerful aspects. This is likely a hangover or perception conditioning considering how many of the last 8 summers have gone. Almost a decade of summers meaning two things, loss and less.
This summer has been different on many fronts, I saw a slight increase in monetary influx from last year. And, while it’s hard to gauge if the blog is doing better, or worse, I am not really that concerned, as the opportunity to grow The Free Thinking Press over the last several months when it has been through the test of its young life has been fulfilling and edifying.
Personally, there are almost no words for the kinds of growth I have seen. Sorting through the emotions of my oss of true love has been a year-long quests. I don’t think myself a more confident writer, but there is no argument that I am a more practiced one. Tried new ventures, built solid boundaries when needed, read more and studied harder than some that were probably in a summer intercession, started my workouts, got back on a solid meditation schedule, and vacationed and swam with my daughter often all reveal time well spent. So yeah, despite the summer’s normal ups and downs, compared to last summer, there is nothing but power being wielded.
That said, the summer of 2015 is not one I’d wish on my fiercest enemy—like comparing the great depression to the economic upswing of the 1960’s.
These great personal recessions over the summer have left their marks on my subconscious. So, despite me having a great summer, it was hard for me to access the feeling of “having” a great summer. Realizing it has been great is better than blindness. A benefit, I suppose, of having a data driven psyche, it is impossible to not acknowledge the data. It is not, however, impossible to ignore data. Which can get me into trouble. This summer’s data is safe, being analyzed and considered at a high rate. The end result is cause for smiles and affirmation.
It has been a good summer. A rare window into what life could be like if one continues to try new things and give trust. Maybe even to those that don’t “deserve” it. And I have been betrayed a few times. Yet the sting of those betrayals pales in comparison to the devastating force of regret. And for one long and fascinating summer, I seem to have come through with no regrets. Is that a product of my new way of being? I’m sure it is a factor. My comportment is less regretful this past summer than many of my casting about periods. Focus has come easily with a healthier mind and body, and inspiration seems to be everywhere when focus is strong.
This week of August has given some of the continent a rare temperature break, a fall preview, and I feel the power surge return. My brain shifts gears for the upcoming semesters via hope and an understanding of my talents as student and teacher. My eyes turn forward to campfires and ninja gear (this is the nickname for my all black winter gear, I didn’t to it on purpose, I just am ninja *shrug*) at Peenemunde. My muscles yearn the pull of an ax swinging overhead. Fall and winter are my times of plenty.
The silence of winter comes, whence the Roar of Rance will be heard again.