Ah. Letting go. Listen to the moment of silence that follows this sentence.
That is the sound of recognition. The speed at which realization hits is terrible. Like an ice bucket challenge, my mind has a spasm of disgust and denial, followed by calm. And while I am disappointed by the realization, there is a lot of freedom in the truth. This time I speak of wanting to remain friends with an ex, which is something I have done successfully, with one ex. We all realize it’s an uphill battle and is often unwise. And now that I have realized that it isn’t going to happen, not anytime soon anyway, peace is starting rise. You know, I really wanted this one. Oh well, into the moment I go.
Fortuitously, this happened the very night when I had a chance to take an evening with one of my oldest and most genuine friendships. I made a total ass out of myself at a karaoke bar, and I didn’t even sing. I mean, it isn’t everyday I get to headbang to Bohemian Rhapsody, between two complete strangers, on a staircase, being stared at by a shoulder to shoulder crowd, then hanging out for way to long trying to talk to a spastic beauty. Intoxication coursed through the room. Being surrounded by the youth of the street may have over stimulated me. I didn’t creep too badly, I hope. Then a 02:00 walk home. It only takes forty-five minutes on foot from Dickson St to get back to my house. That walk was hugely revealing.
The walk wouldn’t have been possible 20 months ago. Nothing like a forty-five minute walk show the power of physical therapy, yoga, counseling, and my beloved meditation. I am so fortunate to have had the fortitude to strengthen my mind and body. This is no time to end the streak either. I have no plan of changing course.
True resolve, I mean true, wholehearted resolve, has been lacking in my life for some time. Peace of mind is bringing that resolve back into my behavioral lexicon. Plus, I don’t have to be someone’s friend to recognize how amazing they are. This reminds me of something I tell my daughter often. “You don’t have to be a part of every little thing.” Similarly, I don’t have to be in anybody’s life to think the best of them. Another powerful observation is the opening up of a niche in my heart. There is a socio-ecological gap now. Like a towering giant in the rainforest, once it has fallen the jungle springs to life filling the space with a variety of species, so will my life fill with human experiences of many kinds.
I suppose there is a little sadness along with the disappointment of failing to maintain connection with someone, but it is overshadowed by the continuing growth of the rest of my life. I am not happy, nor am I sad. I am. Just being will forevermore be enough for me to stay the course of my ferocious, silly little life. Prost!