Morning Meditations # 103: Like a Goddamned Bird Watcher

MM 103 AThere is so much beauty in this world. Yesterday, Ivy and I went to Silver Dollar City. This is the second time Ivy has been, and it went way better than two years ago. That trip she didn’t want anything to do with rides and forced me to basically just watch her at Tom Sawyer’s Landing for five hours. It was one of the things that made the last trip so difficult for me.

I am a roller coaster nut and had missed my only chance in the last four years because Ivy’s behavior last time. Fortunately, not only did Ivy ride some rides today, but she let little brother and little sister watch her, while I was able to satisfy my coaster withdraws. I only rode two of them, and it ended up being perfect. Ivy tuckered out about the time I exited the second one—Outlaw Run—brilliant.

Back to my original point. There is so much beauty in this world. I admit to feeling near uncontrollable envy. It seemed every woman over the age of 20-something had a husband/boyfriend or had on a wedding ring. I felt like the only single mother-fucker in the whole damn park, or in Branson for that matter. Even the gorgeous lady living in the attic of the pool house has a spouse or boyfriend thing. I do realize that Branson is a “family destination,” but I am a single parent with no partner or spouse, and I am in this carnival of a town. Totally obvious too. Like a goddamned bird watcher (I realize the old-school, misogynistic pun, but I do sometimes use it in a feminist way when describing a woman who will not be controlled by repurposing a line from Shawshank Redemption, “Some birds just weren’t meant to be caged.” If that makes me rude, please call me out)

Ivy and I are always together and I have been asked about her mother at least a half-dozen times. Of course, when I tell the story, most folks regret asking. I also realize that full-time single dads are not really that uncommon. Although, for the purposes of this trip, I have felt totally alone. This brings me to the silliness of my brain.

MM 103 C.jpgI literally have had a few woman, classily, throw themselves at me in the last six months, but I have had to tell them about my irrational attachment to my past love. And like most people, they understand the emotional part, but don’t understand why I haven’t moved on or pursue the relationship in which I am obviously most invested. Answers:

1) How does one move on from the love of your life? You don’t. You deal with the absence however you can everyday.

2) I don’t pursue her because she isn’t available and will no longer speak with me (for reasons I have explained, plus a few that I likely don’t know about).

These women deserve to choose an equally amazing person and be chosen by that creature. I spoke with one of them two nights ago on FB and was brought to tears (shocker, I know) while explaining my situation. How disappointing for someone. A catch like me being irrationally unavailable; that shit is fucking criminal.

And true.

MM 103 B.jpgDespite the fact that I am the owner of lonely heart, all of this hasn’t affected my mood much. Today for example, Ivy and I went to the Grand Country Fun Spot for lunch and had so much, you guessed it, fun. Then we came back to the lodge and Ivy swam with her Grandma Sherry while I showed off some of the footage I have from the reunion thus far, including a time-lapse shot of yesterday’s evening meal under the lodge pavilion. I have also written, studied, researched, and dealt with FedLoan.gov to ensure my academic career is still on course. All of these have been extremely successful endeavors—not to mention extremely enjoyable. So, I haven’t been wallowing in this sadness or loneliness, but rather working and experiencing my family to the utmost of my ability.

To top it all off, we dined this evening at the Fall Creek Steak and Catfish House. I had a Philly Cheesesteak that had me cooing. Ivy had a great time watching the roll tosser launch rolls across the restaurant and harassing her great-uncle Dave. When I am here, I always end up intercepting a roll right before it pegs somebody in the head. Four years ago it was my father, today, on Ivy’s first trip there, it would be her that I would save from an incoming yeast roll, a lefty catch as well.MM 103 F.jpg

What a reunion. I don’t do many closing paragraphs in this series, but I feel the need to here.

I don’t know what my future will bring. No clue whether or not my last love will ever speak to me with true respect ever again, or if I will ever be ready to accept love from the near infinite amount of beauty on this planet. The only thing I can guarantee is that I will keep making each day, each piece of writing, each piece of music I record, and each moment I am able to be a better father the most important thing I do. I know sometimes I can be a broken record concerning my love, my failures, my goals, etc. Yet, that is life, right? We all wake up after sleep, eat food for sustenance, and attempt to heal after injury. Thank you, to you, my Gentle Readers, for all of the time and moments you have shared with me.

Prost!MM 103 H

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