Today has already been one of those days, where everything feels pointless. I am in a fair mood, but that isn’t because I feel like what I am doing has value. I don’t know why I am in a decent mood today. Not going to question it too much, nights have been very sad and lonely places, so I am lucky to have any type of good mood.
I haven’t reported any of the downer stuff lately, and since that is a major function of MM, today when I am pretty sure nobody is paying attention, is a day to whine a little.
Every day: wake up in a fair to good mood, work well, deal with Ivy, finish morning work, reflect/meditation/yoga, fight tears on the way to a meeting, execute at a very high level in the meeting, fight tears on the way home, get home and be overcome with lust for a past love or one that has yet to be discovered, distract myself with work or pleasure, take care of Ivy, fight tears on the way to an evening meeting, do well at meeting, distract myself with work or pleasure, tears while I fall asleep.
An incredibly important friend of mine, Jacob, offered some constructive criticism, suggesting that I haven’t successfully “let go” of Hilary. We had a sparred for a bit with weapons of understanding and empathy. Now that a week has passed, I do have some additional thoughts to that criticism.
I still maintain that I have in fact “let go” of the relationship with Hilary. I will return to this shortly, but another object must be discussed first.
I am still very much in love with her. Most nights my mind involuntarily begins to say “I love you, Hilary.” I am forced to catch myself at about the “I lov–,” portion. Then the tears begin to fall with realization of what just happened.
The involuntary nature of this behavior drives me fucking batty. I indeed often feel like a victim of biology in these moments.
Meditation has been few lately, which I don’t think has actually had that large of an effect on me, as I have been in immense amounts of emotional pain during times of high meditation. Yet, two nights ago, I did a mindfulness mediation of a healthy length, with my Mala, facing East, to welcome the morning sun. This meditation was extremely peaceful and pleasurable, providing a much needed break from frontal lobe chatter. Not that the chatter wasn’t extremely present and voluminous at times, but a primary function of mindfulness mediation practice is the practice of letting these thoughts go. Which brings me back to the conversation with Coco.
He is correct. I haven’t truly “let go” of Hilary. That is the most ridiculous proposition around which I can think. Nor, would I ever be so gallant to believe an attempt to “let” a living breathing person “go” in an emotional sense could be successful. She is in fact gone from our lives in the sense that she is no longer actively present as an agent in our lives, but she lives in every corner of our home and minds. Ivy still brings her up three times a week autonomously—favorite color of, pictures they had drawn, how she can’t wait to see her again. Everywhere in my home, no matter how I arrange things, it seems that she exists everywhere. I do my very, very best to handle the moments Ivy has with smiles and voice a deep appreciation for my daughter’s sentiment of love; I try so very hard. The amount of pain I experience in these moments I have spent a lot of time describing in these posts, so I’ll move on. What I do do is let my love and longing for her company go every day.
I have officially stopped trying to let go of some overall “thing” involving Hilary. I love her so much; every atom in her being, every pain I have suffered at her hands, I love with unwavering ferocity (I wish I had a “but” here, but I don’t). Every day I spend a small time observing this deep rooted and all encompassing love for her, and then I set it free. It comes back, and then I repeat the process. I don’t spend any time wondering if a day will come when it stops coming back. Nothing to gain in flights of fancy. I just do the work everyday, of noticing the most precious gift any woman has ever given me (I say this with full knowledge of my daughter, but under oath, if something happened to Ivy, I would want to be comforted by Hilary, no other candidates need apply) and then setting it free, wholeheartedly.
I move on to my work and my family without becoming distracted, and I don’t feel burdened by my pain. I see great suffering in not acknowledging my real feelings, and if I am still in love with Miss Hilary nothing will be gained by suggesting otherwise. Sure, it isn’t an ideal life, but it isn’t an unlivable one either. Not to mention, I don’t accidentally deceive myself or others, and we almost all agree it is good to be honest.
I think the thing that makes this story such an uncomfortable one is the lack of potential resolution. The potential for perpetuation for a long period of time is high. Especially as I perceive this behavior as positive/healthy, the thoughts I do have about Hilary are very open and nurturing, inquisitive and empathetic, I let those go; I let it all go. And like muscle tissue one decid
es burn during a workout, it keeps coming back a little stronger and healthier every time. When her name comes up in a loveandkindness meditation, I practice respecting and acknowledging her excellent qualities in being human.
Maybe we’ve differences enough that we’d never be able to be “in love again.” Or at least, she’d never be able to be “in love” with me again. Maybe not.
I am often caught off-guard by a daydream of her and I reconciling and that first kiss of renewed passion. I have to stop them and let them go as well. The void left in those moments is soul crushing. I walk through those nearly everyday too.