So, I’ve had this issue. More relationship crap. Early apologies for what I am about to dump on to the internet.
See, she officially left me seven months ago, the relationship didn’t really exist anymore nine months ago. I want to report to everyone that I am no longer in love and blocking her has been a successful way to put her from my everyday life.
As you have already guessed, all efforts have been huge failures. The few, little, near-hit new relationships which I’ve tried to show interest in have all been flimsy because of this factor, at least in part. Going into honest and new relationships with people is likely best attempted with a clear mind and innocent heart.
Of course, that’s hooey.
Some of the longest lasting, most honest, and all around “best” relationships are built from complete shit storms. This brings me great peace.
I feel an annoying attempt at an explanation of motives coming. I don’t feel I need a relationship to be productive and to raise Ivy well. I will not need a mate to complete a mortal journey which involves me giving more of myself that I will take from others. All this is true. I am whole without it. What all of you must know is that the whole doesn’t mean without holes. The experience of relationship is something which brings me fulfillment. It cannot be replaced with basket weaving or basketball. This is a hole in me. Perception of some of these holes results in the experience of sadness.
The sadness I feel in living without the things I am about to share, plus hundreds, maybe thousands more, may have intersected with nobody having liked me enough to overcome my demons as well as any of their own, resulting in a protracted scarification process. Empowering myself to feel whole despite missing something fundamental to my life goals is a little comforting. I have decided to be patient and just shrug off the daily tears. Last night being a prime example. I was asleep before 19:30, as crying at the edge of my bed is all I had left in me.
My mind had its sharpest weapons brandishing against itself. The corner of her mouth, how the skin between her neck and shoulder always tasted sweet, her profile while she works hard on something, how she laughed with Ivy, her caress at the end of a day, the coo she made when I whispered, “I choose you,” in her ear just before sleep would take us. These are visceral and tactile experiences. I can taste her skin on the tip of my tongue and feel the smoothness of her skin on my lips. In that moment I am there, and then within a blink, I am not.
The sharpest of weapons cut deepe. The effort it took to be with my friends and family yesterday without that sadness driving was exhausting. I had nothing left by 18:50, consciousness requiring energy which had been spent already. I wanted to have that much energy. I wanted to feel strong. Those types of thoughts are good playback, evidence, for how little I had left.
I don’t regularly “want” things anymore. It’s true that it is just a trick of words. I do want things, but I don’t enjoy the feeling I get when I think about “wanting” something. So, I strive for good health; I demand to be held accountable for my actions; I enjoy being out at the cabin. I could frame “strive for,” “demand,” or “enjoy being” with a phrase of “to want.” But wanting things makes me feel consumptive and greedy. So I have made an effort to use a tactic to change how I feel about the world.
Those are the small and fundamental tactics of conditioning a mind. By using alternative words to describe thoughts and behaviors one may slowly, via a ridiculously complex and determined set of circumstances, realize some changes in their perception. These changes are minute, rarely epiphanic, but they often begin something from where epiphany germinates.
The cascade behavioral changes, which cause a domino effect of how we are perceived by others, will exponentially change the social interactions which populate a life. These observations won’t change everything about everything, necessarily. The point of this last bit is whatever type of change you might notice in other’s reactions to you, it will be, fundamentally, a change in yourself that you are noticing. Seeing your life’s reflection in those cherished most who live with and around us.
I do wish to also report that none of this effects happiness. The more and more I think on this word, the more and more it means nothing to me. The more and more I imagine its current use and meaning are at best wrong, potentially corrosive and harmful, and at worst a tool of manipulation. More on that in the near future I am sure.