Morning Meditations #81: So I Blocked Her

This rant is unedited, and I will not be taking the time to edit it.  I am working hard enough to not hate myself with the action described.  I don’t think I need the added pain of wondering if it is written well.  So I apologize to all who do write well.

Well, I gathered the courage to block her last night. We talked. It was horrible. Time to nip that one in the bud. She is such a wonderful woman; who has the ability to inspire the most dreadful emotions that I have ever felt. If I want to feel like I am the worst, most worthless waste of everybody’s time, all I have to do is speak with her. I was met with “sorry your friend died and that your daughter still loves me, but I have tests for which I must study. I given you too much of my time already.” (paraphrase there) That was the end for me. This isn’t a friend. She is my disease.

So I did the weakest, most unthinkable thing I could do. Total block.

I just don’t think there is anything else to learn from her. Every single interaction is painful to the max. I want to say here and now, it is not her fault.

She is poison for my life, but wonderful in other peoples lives. I don’t think she is bad, or means to be mean. I don’t even dislike her. I love her. Which is also part of the poison.

I am so angry that this is where love lead me. And I’ll listen to all who want to stand on their relationship pedestals.

Tell me how it’ll be different someday.

I’ll stand your abuses.

Just so you can have the feeling of security and certain knowledge that your love is the one, that efforts of your own will support and work through.

I will also say for the record, I feel horrible about this. I feel like a whiny little bitch boy who deserves no respect. This is the furthest I have degraded myself since the last time she slapped me.

All that said. Felt. I am flushing that horrible little child. I hope all of her shit works out. Great. Perfect. I try to be heard about how hard it is to hear Ivy tell me she is ready for “Xxxxxx to come home.” Seriously, I have to listen to that shit. And I took up a little too much time while you study for your PhD pre-lems. Nice.

Many months ago, this woman told me she always wanted to be an example of strength to Ivy. Not interested. This is not the kind of strength I would have Ivy learn. She already has the “I love you, but don’t have time for you right now” lesson. She knows that one far too well.

So. I don’t hate myself or anything. I am not proud. Last night was too much though. I don’t deserve this. She is a good person. So am I. But she is the embodiment of what feels wrong with my life, which has nothing to do with her, other than the associated negativity.

We did try to be friends. But for my own health, I have to protect myself. And in doing so protect Ivy. This sux, and I, with all my heart, am done.

MM 81
My friend Chris took this picture. Part of the “Flowers of February Calendar.” An image of something pretty on a dark and early morning.

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