I suppose I could complain. A friend of mine recently gave me the criticism that too much of my identity is wrapped up the in the romances in which I have tried to invest and nurture. I disagree wholeheartedly with his critique of “too.” For folks who have their identities wrapped up in other things, I imagine that it seems that I’ve given too much only to be hurt too often. Yet, I could always level the same statement about whatever is extremely valuable to them, and what has happened when it went wrong or is no longer available. Not to mention, if I had been worth other people’s commitment in their eyes, they would be very appreciative that I have the ability to invest all of myself and my heart into family building. This is why I have never feared commitment or love, or what these things can do to my “heart” when I am tossed away.
Yesterday I shared an article called “In Defense of Being the One to Say ‘I love you’ First” about the trials and fears of that role, something I never have had a problem doing. The statement I made along with the share is:
“This has always been me, and for now it has always resulted in having my heart torn out, but I will never have fear of that event. I hope I get the opportunity to be crushed a thousand more times. If I do die alone it will not be because I haven’t put it all out on the field. Being vulnerable is strength.”
This is true. In the last four years I have seen the back of every woman for whom I have laid down my “heart” and poured my “soul” into. Granted I have never been as healthy as I am now, so I do understand why all have lost faith in our love. It is a scary world and much easier to run than to take a stand for family and relationships when things seem to be going south. Of course “going wrong is not the end of things” (Deadwood quotes are always awesome) unless you give up.
Another quote from an amazing person after contemplating my story is, “it probably wasn’t ‘meant to be.’” This person did include that they don’t actually believe in the “meant to be” part of the statement, but what else can you say to someone a similar position? Most that know my little family think it’s kinda crazy that people would bail on Ivy and I. “Amazing, bright child who has been through some very unhealthy living situations brought home and safe by an outspoken, thoughtful, loving father who is as healthy as he has ever been just aren’t what I’m looking for in a family oriented partner.” *giggle* Seems absurd when I put it down like that. Yet, this is what we deal with around here.
Beleive me, I do not take all of the responsibility for this situation. Obviously, it takes two to tango. And with that in mind, I realize these women in all likelihood have not been healthy enough to be in families again or to start one just yet (funny thing is the most unhealthy of all my relationship partners is the one who seemed to try the hardest—fucking irony). That doesn’t take away from the sadness of seeing the back of someone else that said they “choose” us. You don’t have to lie to me if you’re just using me for a couple of months affection. But you aren’t allowed to make me think that you care for Ivy and I, and then run for the hills. At least this latest one isn’t claiming that she still loves us while closing communication lines or threatening me with police action after I asked if they could help find mental health for an abused sixteen year old (both of these have happened to me in the last 120 days from two different exes). I suppose I could claim that my “picker” is jacked up, but all us rational folks know that is total bullshit. Any of these relationships could have resulted in a lifetime of fulfillment had they been willing to stay through the difficulties of dark times. I am not even a little dissuaded.
My resolve concerning the statement from earlier is stronger than ever. I think Ivy and I deserve a family unit. I am worthy of someone to curl up with at nights and to whom I can whisper my deepest fears and joys. I don’t “know” that I will get that in my lifetime, but I don’t need anyone to assure me that it will happen either. That assurance won’t dissipate any of the emotional pain I feel when reflecting on the absence of those people. If anything, it darkens the my thoughts and enhances loneliness, as it makes a point of framing what I don’t have (“something will happen because of what has not” isn’t logical). No, none of that optimistic stuff will help at all.
What will help is silent faith. Not blind faith, but faith in a few data tested facts. I am a total fucking bad-ass who will stop at nothing to keep putting my self on the line while traversing an unweathered road of discovering unconditional love from a person who I have or haven’t met. That I have such an infinite reservoir of unconditional love waiting to be tapped into for a person who will display the same level of vulnerability to all my shortcomings, as well as her own.
All of you who care deeply for me can take that shit to the fucking bank and watch the interest roll in, because it is a promise I make to the universe at large: I will never fucking waiver when it comes to participating in the biophysics of love. Boom!