Sleep did not come easy last night. My past pain can still be something I have to deal with in a modern context. Not even from a self perspective, although that is still a common challenge. This pain comes from the pieces I have to pick up regarding Ivy. People without children, despite wonderful intentions, often don’t understand the ramifications of a child’s love, and foolishly, I allowed people in who are ignorant of the damage they could cause, and not surprising, wrecking ball action ensued. I have ceased to blame the people that I should have been more careful about. Sadly, this leaves only the mirror to blame. One of my favorite Deadwood quotes is “laying head to pillow without confusing yourself with a sucker, ’cause that’s gonna be a project tonight.” Therein lies my final two hours of last night, well, that and the tears that come with such events.
I talked to my friend about this morning via text. We spoke of the constant self-checking mechanisms that all of us have to keep active, especially those of us that have had to change nearly everything about ourselves to maintain a sustainable life pattern. She mentioned the potential decades of healing that must take place, and I agree up to a point. Yet, I think it is important for anyone going through the “picking up the pieces” phase to not over focus on healing.
Being healed is an outcome and/or state of being and may be a chimera. Healing is process oriented, and like every process, it cannot stand alone without the full scope of all other concurrent factors. Emotional healing without a diet of healing will likely fail; emotional healing without physical care will likely fail; emotional healing without compassion for those around you will likely fail. In her defense, I believe she addressed this by saying that most people only deal with “surface healing.” For that, I carry no disagreement.
That type of behavior had been my M.O. until the end of this past summer, when I learned what obviously she already had knowledge. I had always been able to get over things, but I believe that true healing remained elusive because of this factor of only attending to the surface. For me, this required quitting smoking, changing diet, meditation, and cognitive/behavioral therapy to name the primary features. In short, life style change. Obviously the process continues.
On this note if any of you, my Gentle Readers, are in a similar phase of your life, I invite you to consider what kind of journey it has been for me thus far. Don’t give up. No matter the pain you feel at night all alone with only a mirror to draw inspiration from (and let me tell you that is not the prettiest of inspirational images at times), the path you must take will lead you to an inner calm and ability to navigate these twisting roads to quiet your mind. After all, “the self” isn’t any one thing, it too is a system of systems which needs constant maintenance to defend against the environment within and without.
Put the work in to care for the self, and the rest will follow.