Morning Meditations #46: Broken, Decomposing Promises

100_5027I have to admit on a morning like this one, it is hard to take anything seriously. My heart aches, my logic resists, and my understanding of someone grows. This heart has taken such a blow that I don’t know if I will be able to make this MM positive, but I suppose I should try.

I have finally gotten my schedule back a little bit (up by 4:06). This morning is the coldest and rainiest we’ve had here in Fayetteville since summer’s end. It disappoints me that I won’t be able to have a morning fire, but that is the least of my disappointments. Maybe there is an odd positive to take from my first problem this morning being trivial. How handy is that? Going to use the momentum.

Today is the first day I will admit to being single again and admitting, to myself, that the love of my life doesn’t want to be anywhere near that title anymore. In fact, it now brings her pain and anxiety to the point of almost yelling at me, telling me how I should have been instructing my daughter, spinning out, and objectifying me. Therefore, I asked her to back off and not contact me for a while. I am betting she will happily honor those wishes. So, the best way for me to honor the most powerful love I have known is to offer it to someone new. This is my first entry of single Rance in just under a year, so please bear with me, this is going to get sappy.

I would marry this woman tomorrow morning if she felt ready. That being said, she is in no way, shape, or form mature enough to be a parent and choose family for life. I am. I wasn’t healthy enough to sustain that type of relationship through most of my adult life. I am now. I bring so much to the table, it is hard for me to conceive of a world where choosing me isn’t a no-brainer. The only thing someone could have against me is financial stability, but I am working on that (silly career change). I can now emotionally and cognitively support someone in their own goals without sacrificing my own, indeed, want to assist someone in achieving their goals. I am as cute physically as I have ever been. Wow! Guess I could be considered arrogant, but I would prefer that everyone see me as believing in my brand.

Everyone who abandons this little daddy-daughter family has regret for deceiving us, as everyone has made promises to be there for us and failed. I hope that the maturity level of the next person who believes they can step up will match their ability to value commitment and dedication to family at a high level. I assume responsibility for letting deceivers into my home, but I do always say “deception” is necessary for observation.” So, I guess she was just doing what we all do, deceiving those around us when we want/have to in order to get what we want, if you don’t think you do this then I invite you to find a good shrink, so you can get through the denial thing. This most recent love couldn’t be vulnerable enough to nurture a family, to take part in the raising of a beautiful little girl and assisting one of the most bad-ass bachelors the world has to offer.

I am not in denial of my deceptive behaviors, especially knowing we deceive ourselves most of all. This morning provides a wonderful moment for me to try to see through the deception and observe some truth. This is the best time to observe and know me. The last love didn’t seize the opportunity to stand next to my daughter and I during a time of my great change. As well, the changes are so genuine and powerful there now exists in the universe an opportunity. The opportunity for a gentle, motivated, and knowledge seeking soul to capitalize on her shortcoming. Life feeds on life; new love is what grows from the soil of broken, decomposing promises.


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