I haven’t meditated today. Waking up kinda late, I have been assisting my injured big toe on the left foot heal via extra sleep and am looking forward to getting back to the 4:20 wake up time. The experiment with 4:40 wake ups were okay, and I was able to take care of all business, but I felt more rushed than I prefer, then the foot injury. Deal done on 4:40 for now, maybe I’ll move the time up to 4:00. Forty minute swing may be just what I need to combat any lost routine or writing time. I think I will still wait to write MM until later in the day, but I can have even more morning time for meditation, magic coffee, and study.
I have studied math well today. I, for the first time in years, solved a quadratic equation for X. The daughter, Nana, and I came down to the West Fork Library for me to continue studies and publish this very piece. Getting ready to get back to math land in moments, but I thought I would GRE report for these few lines.
This morning I have been overwhelmed by the wonderfully cool weather. It feels like birthdays, football, and holidays. Memories are flooding me every time I stand and look to the purples and yellows of our West Fork yard. Years are lived in a moment, and all my emotions are felt at 128x. Really, I have been all over the place lately mentaly. It’s like, all my harmonious efforts have been focused on four to seven hours of study a day, and all other moments of life are like a little rollercoaster of events. So, I have let my body and mind free to just feel. Sadness has kept coming up in this neuronal weather pattern, but so many of my friends and loved ones have been fighting their own monsters, my empathy begins to play in the rapids of release. Anger, fear, loneliness, loss, regret, and jealousy have all reared their ugly head this week. While studying and convalescing the toll on my peace has been higher than most weeks. At least for trusted shoulders to cry on, and stories of greater suffering than my own to hold hands with. These moments of healing also came with challenges from relief’s very source. Challenges to what I want, or more precisely, to the fact that I claim to want nothing from someone specific.
Oh shit, the pressure to answer myself was on, as it just so happens, this newest friend of mine makes a very good mirror—thank you, Cara.
I wrestled with this more than usual. My daughter has been expressing herself more explicitly as Kindergarten blooming and evolution continues. The fact that she increased communication aptitude doesn’t surprise me, but what your children will choose to communicate, every parent knows, there will be no amount of adequate preparation. This has been the case, and if your kids have had to survive some loss and change, the things they express do not always bring joy. In fact, in this weeks case, they have brought immense sadness. What is a parent to do?
This is a troubling question for parents. The very thing which should be celebrated in our children’s lives ends up bringing us great sadness is one of those quandaries that every parent will have to learn to navigate. No child will live without loss and sacrifice, suffering and failure. Some of these moments will no doubt also be quite traumatic for us as parents. But we cannot loose our cool (I am guilty of loosing my cool more than is healthy in the past). Being the very image of how to deal with sadness and trauma is likely one of the most important gifts to give your children.
My answer to this, and my gift to my daughter, has been to turn the entire experience into one where we bond through expressing love for the person of interest. We talk openly about what it means to have these feelings and to want something different.
This brings me back around to the challenge of wanting something from someone. The challenge came after saying, “I don’t want anything from her,” with, “You do want something from her.” I had to maintain my position that I didn’t. This caused a communication breakdown. My caring adviser, I think, tried to caution me that I may be deceiving myself when I claimed this. I had to take this position very seriously. What if she is right? I might be deluding myself.
Fortunately, after studying for days, listening to my mind and its worries, I came up with an answer to this challenge. I don’t want anything from her, but I do want something with her. Sharing with her has brought me more joy than I know how to express.
Maybe we can all feel a little healthier about our desires concerning interpersonal relationships if we decided that we don’t want emotional response from people, but rather, we desire things with them. I kinda feel better already.