I haven’t really dreamed much in a couple of decades. Or when I did dream they were very mundane. Doing dishes, laundry, vacuuming, that sort of thing. Now that I am more than a couple months into daily meditations and my health improves with every week, it seems dreams have returned, and thus far, they are crazy and long. Multiple-cycle dreams that persist even after I wake and fall back asleep. The first one took the form of a fight scene, like something from Game of Thrones, and last night’s, my daughter tortured me with the rudest obstinacy a five year old can muster up. Which is hideous for all of you that don’t know. Last night’s dream left me far more shaken. I think I slept well, but didn’t wake with much emotional stability. I wandered the morning a complete mess. So, I took the wheel and turned to my morning meditation.
More than a week has passed since my last full body scan, so I decide this morning should be the morning after coming off an emotional sleep cycle. I feel a point needs to be made about mindfulness, meditation, and being with yourself when negative emotions are present. The caution regarding meditation, and something that every instructor has warned me about, is the release of suppressed memory or just the revisiting of a memory that has never really been processed. Negative dreams and a meditation which can last over an hour combined to do this exact thing. The memory is of me and an ex-girlfriend, we are still very good friends. I am not going to provide any details, but lets just say that we were abusing each other badly, and it escalated to physical contact, short physical contact. This wasn’t our worst fight by any extreme. Yet, I think this was one of the scariest moments of my old abusive nature.
I began to cry during the meditation, feeling very low. My mind had already started to rail against me for attempting a long meditation, and starved for stimulation, my mind and body pumped me full of more negativity. I became forced to relive the entire incident. It was very painful. I am still emotional from the experience. Even now, I care a great deal for this person, her and I have mended our violence to one another and are in many ways closer than we have ever been. Yet, this memory, which I hadn’t thought about in several years,
forced tears to seep out between closed eyelids and cool my temples with evaporating sorrow.
I took the memory and wrapped it around the bicep I scanned at the time, and when it came time to let that part go, poof. I don’t know if this really did anything but prompt me to include it in this blog entry. We’ll see if this telling is enough for me to process it. I feel better already; I can say that. Still hurting by our behavior back then, but for the first time, I don’t really feel like I am remembering something for which I should still be punished and have no desire for her to be punished.
This is the kind of thing I would have continued to blame myself for until earlier this year. I behaved badly, sure, so did she. Neither of us deserved that experience, as we are fucking awesome people in every way. Don’t know what else to say about any of this as I am quite drained after bad dreams, angry mind, and a busy day still ahead. Thanks for reading and listening to my moments.