This has been the most difficult morning for me in a long time. I am emotionally, mentally, and physically drained. Today, I will still pursue all of my goals. I trained hard for the GRE yesterday evening, and that, mixed will all the other things, did culminate into a seventeen hour day. The only times I stopped, even for a minute, was to eat and eventually fall asleep. Not saying I ran a marathon, but something was happening that furthered my goals or kept my home running for all of that time. That is the physical and mental.
I am struggling with how to describe the emotional part of the equation (watch out for math terms right now, GRE stylie). I will only say this, it is worth every effort I put forward. She fills every corner of my being with gratitude and devotion, even when she is away. Today I am missing her a great deal which brings tears to my eyes, and fills me with joy. Complete love is amazing.
I am going to hit the studies hard again today, but going to take the daytime rather than the evening. I hadn’t studied after sunset in four months, which isn’t a lot for an adult really. But many of my friends haven’t “studied” anything after dark in years and years. Algebra was on the menu. I did pretty well considering. My tutor said I was being too hard on myself, but I think he sees me in the ways I used to be, unable to criticize myself without negativity, rather than the way I am now.
Expecting greatness from myself is my summom bonum these days and I am going to take a moment to articulate why this is true, because on the surface it seems a little unsustainable.
When I think around greatness, it is not the obtaining of ultimate achievement in my circles. It is a body of work which makes me proud to be me. I can be great by not forgetting a library book, for making my insanely delicious fried rice, by not drinking coffee on a morning when I want it the most, by walking my daughter to her bus stop, by completing a full body scan meditation, in the reading of text, and the simplifying an algebraic equation. There are literally thousands upon thousands more. A friend of mine put a new bulletin board up in her new office. She expressed it best, “It’s the little things.” That is greatness to me.
My entire point of life is to be in it moment to moment, task to task without losing sight of my priorities and strengths. I really am that person.
28. My sadness. This might seem an odd thing to love about one’s self, but I have learned that my negative traits are no longer something to be feared and regretted. My sadness keeps me in check when nothing else will. I have often felt like I have failed myself so much, but in the modern me things don’t feel like failures any longer. Everything just feels like me being me. That always feels good these days, even when it isn’t classically “good.”