Being back on track with my meditation practices and writing habits after a few days of disruption has felt really, really good. I have never been one to have positive feelings towards routine, as I used to “surf the chaos” with great fervor. Nowadays, it isn’t that I don’t appreciate chaos, but I admit in the modern me, the tool set within seems more limited than previously. Obviously, I am still walking this new path and evolving accordingly. This brings me great comfort. There was a banner hanging at my “graduation party” which read “Rance Evolved, Fuck Yeah.” The banner would have been more accurate to have said “Evolves.” The designer of that banner had no idea how deep this well would go. They have a track record underestimating me from time to time (not like I gave them many clues to go with—what a mess).
I also underestimated myself, I could imagine becoming who I have become, but I could not have foreseen how quickly and efficiently my efforts have paid off. Nobody could have. I shocked my shrink, my doctors, my family, my friends, even some of my friends’ moms, and so on. The only people not surprised are those who have just met me.
I realize at this point in the post I haven’t really expressed a goal for the day. I think it’s because I have hit a bit of a stride. I have changed so much, but there is a clear need to practice these changes and new ways of existing. Maybe that has been the reason for a little bit behavioral muddling here of late?
When we seek to change ourselves, there could be a line of too much of a good thing. It seems intuitive now that I am thinking around it. If one keeps changing and changing without ever stopping to form positive connection and establishing habits, the effects of change will not have a strong a foothold in becoming parts of personality and behavior. If consistency is to be appreciated it has to become consistent. And while it is true that change will keep coming, there is something to be said about stabilizing. One cannot surf if they fall off the board with every single wave. That is just falling. I could use a good dose of holding my ground and not continuing to adjust.
This is assisted by the knowledge that I have the strength to adjust and change if I need to. What a fantastic goal!
Today, I will keep being badass. I will change very little today, and instead, choose the me I have become, and embrace that for a time. The seekers are indeed the finders, but once we have found something within ourselves that is truly amazing, slow down and experience it for a while. A good portion of the anatomy to experiencing happiness is contained within the kind of play we engage. For lack of a better way to put it, today, I will play with myself.
26. My new found love of taking pictures. This has been acquired with “Morning Meditations.” Not saying I didn’t like taking pictures before, but I never really appreciated my photographs like I do now. Oh, the things we take for granted.