I have an empty mind this morning. Nothing to be alarmed about.
My traction machine came in over a week ago, but with dentist appointments and regular challenges of the week, I have been unable to go claim it. That changes this morning at 10:00; there is no stopping me today. Now that I write, my mind isn’t so empty.
Part of the reason my mind may have been empty is a post from yesterday talking about expectations. I really want to sign up for the GRE test as it necessary for graduate studies, but it is an expensive test, and I have zero income. There is no reason to expect that I will get to take this test soon, and there is nobody willing or able to help me sign up for it. One of those wonderfully unfair situations where a single parent who works hard at being the best he can be will not be granted, just yet, a way to reach personal goals. A common story, as this culture often rewards luck rather than effort. “Deserve’s got nothin’ to do with it.” (William Money-Unforgiven) So what is a “talented” life-learner to do when opportunity isn’t knocking. Make your own way, silly.
I smile even now remembering how much anxiety this would have caused me just a few months ago. If I never get an MFA, I will not be disappointed. What these daily posts have proven to me is that there is nothing in a university setting that could even come close to matching what I already have everyday. Amazing homies, beautiful daughter, and a mind free of depression. Oh, I still have dark days and dark thoughts, but they aren’t at the wheel any longer. I have to navigate them still, but it isn’t a challenge like it used to be. I feel free to choose my own happiness, which I have done.
I find my happiness within me: my daily workouts, waking my baby girl (not a baby any longer) up for school, writing, being in love, the smell of my pumpkin spice writing candle, the tangy flavor of my homemade yogurt, the silence in my mind. These are only a few of the things that bring joy to the fore.
I feel gratitude, sure. But I also realize that thanking oneself is a bit of mental masturbation. I have no need to over-thank or over-appreciate my own efforts. I am a sprinkler of energy hooked to the near-infinite source—the universe. No need to worship or live for the source, only make it the tool for our contributions in life, to what likely really matters. I don’t know what those contributions will look like for my individual readers, but I can assure you all, whatever “matters” to you, there is plenty of power to make it beautiful.
Something I love about myself is:
16: My sexuality. Dicey subject, eh! There is no doubt in my mind this is a huge gift I have to give to a partner. I used to be ashamed of my body and my appetites. Appetite shame faded first. The body shame stayed with me for much longer, and in some ways, has only left me recently because of vastly improved health. “Bro, you are a fucking FOX, ” is my favorite quote of late. It came from a former employee (it bears mentioning that he has never once been “just an employee and has always had the utmost esteem and respect for me) upon looking at my shaved face for the first time, as well, I laughed loudly with a music student of mine recently. I said it was easy to become this happy, because “all I had to do is change nearly everything about myself.” I am about to start laughing about it again but don’t want to wake the whole house up at 5:03. I think I’ll do morning some morning mindful yoga instead.