“They look like big, good, strong hands, don’t they?” This is a line from one of my favorite movies “The Never Ending Story.” Even as a child I connected with the Rock Biter. I think it has a lot to do with how I see myself even now. I have often been caught saying that “I am the rock.” I could never really live up to it up until recently. I mean, sure, I had moments when people who were suffering or in pain could lean upon me and find the firmest of foundations, often it wouldn’t last. Then my weaknesses would become the very thing that defined me. This always results in me failing the ones I wished to support the most. Nothing hurts our inner-self more than telling some one you care for how amazing you will be by saying, “I will show you,” only to end up showing them the very darkest side of you, to leave them with more suffering and pain then they started with.
Once again, the mirror of life reveals truth. I find myself staring into the eyes of the Rock Biter. Here was this immense force within Fantasia, yet he could not protect his friends from The Nothing. Even I am guilty of turning the most beautiful things about my life into broken bits of promise and potential—of assisting The Nothing. Of course, the battle he sought to win being a physical one, he never tried to use his wits to assist. This is where he and I differ.
Today I will spend another day putting the pieces back together. I have made promises which I failed to keep, in the short term, but I mean to make the repairs in such a way that they at least last for the duration of my lifetime, if not longer. The most wonderful thing about being disturbingly patient is that even when someone looses faith in me or fails to trust me, I am always waiting for the time to show them again. “Consistency!” Lives will move on and things will change, but for a rock change will, potentially, take millions of years and drastic journeys under continents, through vast deserts, and to the tops of mountains. And once changed, it may be billions of years before another change of form and internal structre. This is the behavior I wish to emulate.
Another beauty of being “a rock” is that I can be used as a tool. If I can help just one other person by the habits I keep, the words I write, or the totality of my behaviors, it should be my sworn duty as a fellow high-ape to keep doing the very thing which assists them in their daily lives. I always knew I had a strong will; little did I know that it could be medicine and inspiration for others. It’s a new found strength.
Something I love about myself is:
15. My soft touch, despite my sharp edge. As a musician, indeed any artist, there is a powerful tool for composition. Dynamics. One of my greatest strengths is the potential to be a dynamic person. To be fast and strong but deliberate; to think deep, full thoughts but keep it simple; to love with every part of me but require nothing in return. I truly love this part of me.