Today I hope to exist without regret. This will be a tall order. Not that I did anything regrettable recently, I just know to some extent there is a little darkness today. Maybe it’s some end of the month blues, or maybe it is based on what I want to feel. The later is the focus for morning mediation. I wrote a few days ago that we should embrace negative feelings, so I will.
These feelings are born of fear. I have been listening to them since waking. After everything I have accomplished, I still don’t feel like it is enough. Why? Simply put, because this is not where I want to be just yet.
That being said, I feel very good about where I am. I will take this feeling of incompleteness, and use it to my advantage.
I understand the desire for gratification from that which is easy. I used to feel it daily. I thought that the challenges I face were the hard part: my degree, my back pain, my failures. What I have come to realize is that those were not my challenges. My challenges came from within me. When there is a gaping hole in ourselves, we can choose to let things fill it that are good for us, or we can let despair and loss fill it. I used to let despair fill my gaps. I used to drink when I felt low, smoke a cigarette, eat a sugar soaked doughnut, puff on some weed, or worst of all, hurt those around me. Now, none of it is needed. I will choose to let the love I already have fill the gaps and not make the mistake of replacing it with something convenient. Fulfillment will come from this
The tools use to meet these challenges have come in the form of discipline and commitment to a life and future, which is supposedly unimaginable. Yet, to say something is unimaginable is to deny our humanity. Our imagination is, potentially, our greatest asset. Without it we would never know what our goals could be, never mind what we choose them to be. It is true, we must focus on the process, but without imagination, the process leads nowhere (well, it leads to somewhere, but is it someplace healthy?). To say anything is “unimaginable” is an expression for a state which human minds are incapable without birth defect or injury. The future seeing self is half of our personality according to Daniel Kahneman. Why would we seek to ignore it? So, I’ve tinkered with this some, and here is where I stand this morning.
The future is difficult to predict—true. Imagination will shape every moment from now until then. Example, I will produce a “Morning Meditations” post at a nigh-quotidian rate. The process is living everyday and using inspiration that comes from those experiences. Visualizing myself at the computer typing away, editing while I get my daughter ready for the bus, both must me imagined before efficiency can be achieved. With the vision of what I want from and for the future, along side embracing the present, I come to the junction of fulfilling my goal for this morning healthily. I hope you enjoyed it.
Something I love about myself is:
14. My ability to make decisions without permission. I have lost touch with this over the last few years. Not that I haven’t practiced it some, but it’s been in a safe environments such as college or work. But that isn’t the place where it shines the brightest. Making your personal life come under the influence of this property takes guts, the ultimate vulnerability. My choices can hurt someone’s feelings and opening the door to disappointment can be scary, but it is something I have always done well. Make a choice, then fix what goes wrong. Trying to fix it today—everyday.