It is always hard to hear when someone you enjoyed and who enjoyed you passes. I will not be spending any extra time on this subject this morning. I hope he has the peace he could never seem to find while sharing himself with the world. “Rest well, homie.”
Today I will be a medical machine. This morning I get to give blood to a lab tech and get a deep cleaning on my teeth. The blood work is just part of my physical, nothing special. This is the first deep cleaning in memory. I have heard that there is some pain involved. I am ready. Pain is a part of daily life. The degenerative back condition gives me tools for just this kind of situation. Leaning into discomfort isn’t really the sentiment I wish to highlight. Being excited about pain and what I can do with it is how I see the world now.
Dr. Jon Kabat-Zinn mentions the sensation of coming home when we find ourselves within the quiet in our minds. Some of the furniture in my Cartesian home is made of my pain, and I believe this is true for all of us. One of my darkest moments, which I have written a bit about, is while learning mindful mediation, a very mean voice came into my mind telling me how weak and worthless I am. It told me to stop meditating “now” and give up this boring behavior. This was a short practice, so fortunately, it only lasted fifteen minutes. Still, the event left me shaken. When I told a loved one about it, she replied, “That’s dark energy.” I giggle even now.
As an amateur physicist and cosmologist, the term “dark energy” has a very different meaning to me. I know what she means though. She is referring to some kind of evil or negative, mental or metaphysical force in the universe. What I came to realize is that it is something far worse. It came from within me.
This is scarier than anything the universe has to offer. Most of the cosmos will straight murder you, you may get a few seconds to suffer, but by and large, we would quickly shed the mortal coil just about everywhere in three dimensional space. The suffering from within ourselves we carry for life. It is easy to blame the other, and dark energy would be a great way to shift blame off if ourselves. That will never jive with me.
Own it, it is your pain, anger, and sadness; I invite my readers to never let anyone take these away from them. If we learn to use them for healing instead of seeing them as weaknesses or something to fear, my hunch is the psychological medication industry will be very upset. *wink*
12. My love of meditation. I have meditated for nearly 21 years. When I was younger and first coming into contact with the Tao Te Ching and meditation, I admit to being one of the blind. Back then it didn’t bring me peace like it does now, didn’t bring fulfillment like it does now.