Morning Meditation #14: An Open Window

IMG_0400This morning I awaken to the sounds of crickets and a train blowing it’s “whistle.” The second day of the semester for college students has left me a little jealous. For the last six years, this week has meant so much to me; the satisfaction of starting a new semester has been one of my great joys, and usually, the end to my financial troubles for nine months at a time. I graduated last spring, so there are no classes nor financial support. And the other factor, that’s right, you guessed it, I am unemployed. I don’t get to save for vacations; I don’t get to attend events that are cheap by comparison to say, milk. Seriously, if an event cost two dollars, eight quarters, it is a little steep for my budget. This thought used to fill me with fear and anxiety, which would then send me into a shit-spiral of self-loathing and unadulterated sadness (you know, depression). I will seek to remedy this in the very near future—one way or another.

I am so pleased people are reading consistently. Yesterday became the second busiest blog day of the month. I will attempt to publish two blogs today. Not so much as a reward or anything like that. But because it makes me feel like I am working towards a specific goal, which I am, but not so specific on all fronts. All I know to do is tp keep networking and writing. Telling people the truth as I see it, and in turn, listening to their truths. This is the joy and difficulty of socializing. Sitting through truths of others no matter how untrue they are.

I spoke with my aunt last Friday and she tried to take a political stand about something she admitted to knowing nothing about. She admitted she just felt that it was the case. I called her out after listening to her ridiculous spin on what troubled our country. She sounded like the owner of a multibillion dollar corporation. She blamed the poor for the state of the country. As though the tiny percentage of people that are truly lazy and trying to take advantage of the system were enough to increase the budget, destroy money markets, and crush all of Social Security. I am surprised she didn’t defend Donald “Trumpet” and her “colleagues” at FOX News. Of course she was also quick to admit she is horribly addicted to sugar, refuses to learn more, refuses to exercise or take better care of herself, has a son addicted to pharmaceuticals (which he cannot afford), and like I said a few lines ago, is completely uneducated on the current state of affairs outside of the local news stations. This is why I write.

She isn’t an evil, bad, or an overtly stupid person. All of my aunts were raised in a horribly abusive and neglectful setting. They have all been through great amounts of personal trauma, betrayal, and abuse. As have we all who remain alive for more than a few years, but they have had no means to self-actualize. Shame and blame are their tools and mirrors. (Well, one of my aunts cannot feel these emotions towards herself because she was so badly damaged, and it has made her one of the rudest people I have ever met) So goeth family I suppose. I will not become one these jaded and uninformed minds, nor will I let my daughter or any future children *wink* suffer this particular fate.

Something I love about myself is:

9. My unhinged desire to make this world a better place for billions of strangers I will never meet.

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