I hope Morning Meditations number ten will help someone today.
Today is the beginning to week number two of my true mindfulness meditation practices as laid down my the UMass Medical Center’s Stress Reduction Program. I have been practicing “being with my breath,” but now it is time to move on to exercises presented just before chapter six of Full Catastrophe Living—the full body scan. This is a forty five minute mediation while lying down. I admit to not being overly excited about this first day of new training. After dealing with some of the internal demons which come to the surface during fifteen minutes of being with breath, this sounds a daunting task. My worst day of meditation came on Saturday.
Everything started normally. I did a good job over the first minute of keeping my mind focused on breath. But after that, things quickly became very dark and scary. A part of my mind began to complain about being bored. When I wouldn’t respond and chose to stay focused, well, the insults and screaming in my head began. My own mind called me lazy, pathetic, shitty, abusive, catastrophic (?), and other names and insults I cannot now remember. It left me visibly shaken for the rest of the day. I cried a lot that day.
This is the danger of meditation. This voice of hatred seems like it is “you.” People can be trapped in believing this might be the totality of themselves, and the voices can be very loud. Most confusingly, it is using one’s own voice to communicate. Another danger is that the monsters in our minds seem like sentient beings from outside ourselves, like they have taken over large pieces of us.
Yet, they are not “you.” They are partial people, and could and will never be the whole of “you.” Still, often people fail to realizes this in time and quit meditation (this western thought pathology needs to be dealt with). I have been meditating for a very long time for a westerner. I started trying to figure it out at sixteen after reading the Tao Te Ching. So, I had already realized this notion of a “whole you” versus the partial people in our minds. Just knowing is not enough though.
The scary parts of my personality act out sometimes, come outside of my head to become me for short periods of time, but they are more than enough to ruin months or potentially years of work and communication. Seemingly taking the wheel of my mind and controlling my speech and behavior. This explains (nearly in full) why I am embarking on this effort of fulfillment, health, and a new way of living in general.
I will edit more today.
I will help my family today, and deliver digital media to a friend.
I think my middle-list goal (this means it isn’t really a goal but more of a desire that should be dealt with) will be some drumming today. Not for any reason other than just being in there and hearing them talk. You know, it sounds dreamy now that I mention it.
Something I love about my self is:
5. My magic coffee. Which I am not making today, *sad face* even after buying all new vanilla for just that purpose. It is too addictive and I have made it three out of four days, too much. No coffee for me today. Giving the finger to caffeine one day at a time.