I will be honest today. The challenge that occurs when claiming honesty is being honest with yourself. Starting the day out right in that regard. This is the fifth day in a row that I have awakened before or at 5:30. This is me achieving and maintaining a goal. I will go to bed earlier tonight than I have the last two nights. Yet, without the last two nights my life wouldn’t be as good as it is now, as good as it will be today; the loss of those precious few hours of sleep may be the most important moments of my adult life. Every moment is the most important one in so many ways. To get wins, then to loose, then to win again, to almost loose everything, to gain the second best gift offered—hope.
I hope for something unexpected today.
Even if it is scary, I choose every phase of you.
Last night while talking with the most important woman I have ever known, while she put in some of the most valuable work yet, I had this feeling of being under a blanket of stars in a way that Fayetteville city skies do not often reveal. I drank in a million specks of photon radiation. I dropped my head from the magnificent sight only to gifted on more thing from the universe at large. A falling star decided to put on a show, perhaps just for me. It arced from mostly north to just west of north down towards the surface a glowing white ball of water, stone, and metal. The white-hot vaporizing chunk of our solar system revealed it’s secret desire by leaving me a ribbon of green as it moved. Could this night be anymore beautiful? Yes, but the world is less than perfect, just like me.
I did not meditate yesterday either. This makes me frustrated at myself, until I reflect and review, who, I turned out to be. I will meditate today throughout the network of doctors visits, therapists, and moments. I call this a network because it those are all the connections which are my next three days. My days, sick in many ways, not so sick in next phase, and the most beautiful creature that will ever walk my path. I will embrace my path, even when it leads away from one goal. I will still see the network—matrix. I know that the only way to get any of the goals we seek is to embrace the “path.” “Focus on the process,” they will tell me. I know, I know, but that process is the most painful of all processes.
I will be honest with myself today. I may not get to meditate. I may not have the answers. I may not see what comes next. I am so afraid of the steps required to feel, to heal, and to accept. I don’t want to look into the mirror and see all that I have lost.
I will look into the mirror and see all that I have won. Me, the luckiest man alive having the unconditional love of an amazing daughter, and my most caring fan, friend, believer.
I will live unconditionally.