I am going to smile at the drum stick hanging above my window. Thich Nhat Hanh isn’t the first person of wisdom to suggest this practice. I use a drumstick, of course. It hangs above the window on the same hook as the keys to my writing retreat during the fall and winter months. This year will be especially powerful out there. So many emotions now memories. So many ideas to become reality.
I seek wisdom. “Today I will do a thing.” Not my words.
I heard that someone I know felt low and rutted. The realization that I didn’t have that problem anymore (it fell from me last night in an epiphany, after sinning once again) sent me into a hope—that I could still help people by being me, more me, more me all the fucking time. I choose to put myself into this world more than I have before. I have neglected the stage for conquest, and conquered well. Yet, now with more voices calling and more minds falling out of line with what is important, now, just now, it happened again and again.
I will choose respect, and I will show you. I fail at this so much these days. I know what is true, and yet cannot stop the spiral, not just yet. I will meditate today, really.
Yesterday I wanted to meditate on patience, which is a lovely thing. Today I am not so sure. Maybe that will be a good thing—pronoia. Not my term. If you wanna know who says it in my world or what it means in my language, I am afraid you’ll just have to ask. Today patience seems to be the enemy. I will make less of my life the enemy. Today to sit with my thoughts seems the opposite of what it would be to seek. “I have a disturbing amount of patience.”
Now I know why I have always said this! My patience is disturbing because, rather than it keeping me in a life unlived, I used it to sit idle when I could have been being. I get to try my own homemade yogurt this morning.
So, today, I will meditate on a balance between too patient and too hasty. Today the focus will be on creating and giving. This is my morning priority today.
I get to talk with a friend and peer about a project later. This project is different than my many others, new territory, new challenges. This is one of my greatest joys of life, really. I am in love with challenge. I will not make things more difficult than they are by making things that challenge me more valuable to overcome. I studied well yesterday, unfortunately it filled me with the kind of pride that senses happiness when something seems finished. More poison from the poisoned mind, as I am no where near finished..
I am going to study well today, but I will meditate and give myself to the studies so that the process and the experience will house my joy for one of my greatest skills.
My goal for the end of the day is to show more gratitude towards myself. Prost! To me and my happy work.