So, this is goodbye from this page. What a run. I saw that I just had my 8 year anniversary here on WordPress, and I could think of no better way to honor that than to retire this page to make space in my life for the next page. Hopefully my maturation as a writer and indeed, as a human will be reflected all over the new page. It looks different, feels similar, and should pick right up where I leave off here.
My name is Nicole Alexander. I am in a relationship with Rance Tyrone Vinson, and have been since 2016. I have been dishonest about the domestic abuse issues between us and I am here to own it publicly. Rance is an NWA native, 25 year local musician, audio/video producer, and writer. Most recently he was partnered with Amanda Rey, bringing the Songwriters Circles to Nomad’s. The monthly event has been defunct since his first arrest last year and that is directly related to this issue.
Firstly I will say this: I am not a “battered woman” of any sort. I have the same emotional/mental issues most humans are living with but I *do not* have Stockholm Syndrome or anything related to it. If you have met me, you know I can be off the wall, a little loud and possibly belligerent or even “sad drunk” at times but I could…
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After a day to think around it, I need to add something I feel yesterday’s piece left out. I think I was so busy bootstrapping in order to write the piece, at all, it slipped my mind to inform you, my Gentle Reader (for those of you that don’t know, “Gentle Reader” is stolen from, and in direct honor of, Issac Asimov), the other thing. I mentioned the adjustment to my world view and the subsequent alterations to how I relate my fellow humans. I feel I inadequately expressed the complete inhalation of the “goggles” I had been seeing the world through. My moral self fell to its knees and wept. This is the second factor that had me silent. But, not anymore. It’s time to save the world.Read More »
The deepest silence I’ve ever known is that of exiting the stage after playing a three set night with my former groove-metal band, Cover of Darkness. This phenomenon has always occurred no matter the band, but the Cover of Darkness era is the most vivid. For those who’ve never had the opportunity to come off a stage after an impassioned performance: local venues, most nights, are spent playing to the other bands that might be playing before or after you; to the bartender(s), wait staff, and a bar boss or two; and the four truly ungrateful regulars that give up on hearing the TV opting for pool shortly after the first band finishes their set. And under those unceremonious lights, I would experience the most vacuous silence of my first forty years. At the time, it seemed mysterious and other-worldly. Read More »
Rare it is, in this “the modern era,” that one receives correspondence via the mail, like we used to. I knew something was up the moment I saw the envelope facing down in our black, plastic mailbox. My anticipation only grew when I noticed the familiar left-handed penmanship that has come to mark a message from my father used on my mailing address. The envelope had the customized and accustomed return address label, but just above that, in red ink, “Pops.” This must be serious, he is referring to himself in the nicknamed third person. As it happens, my intuition proved true. This would be a very serious letter.Read More »
Welcome to step #7. What a journey it has been thus far. We have been working hard to wrap our heads around this new type of thinking, and for many of you, I am sure you are unconvinced or don’t see the point. Well, this is no surprise to those of us who have already been through all the steps. Free will is one of those addictions that seem impossible to shake at times. People talk about quitting smoking being tough, and it is. Heroin, kicking can be one of the most painful experiences a mind and body will be put through. This habit is no different from those two except for the fact that it is in our minds already. The illusion is so complete, and its effects so devastating to our perception of reality, we have a hard time coming to terms with how to exist without it. There is almost no support out there for us. Even those who might agree with out efforts will still point fingers and refuse to let go of events they wish attributed to their own or someone’s personality or behavior. “That person is toxic,” or “they’re just mean,” will come up in conversation or in a mind, and those folks will just run with the thoughts. We don’t judge them for their thoughts; we know the genesis of such shortcomings, as they were our shortcomings just a few short weeks ago.Read More »
With our new found tools of playback and mirroring at our disposal, we are ready to move to the halfway point in the steps. It is time to start letting go in earnest. At the bottom of this entry will be list of all the steps thus far, be sure to review if needed.Read More »
We now work our way into the middle of the list. With Step #5 we will begin to engage others in this quest to come to terms with dissolving the addiction to free will and the “self” it has generated. To do this we’ll have to put more thought into our next move, or more accurately, we’ll need to use a method of “playback” discussed in Step #4 for observing the dialogue we all have running in our heads. This is the most powerful step for eliminating shame thus far. Read More »
Finally, a step taken right from the AA list that needs no adaptation. Excited by this one, I believe this is one of the reasons for the success of AA throughout the years. Despite my dislike for short intro paragraph, getting right to the point serves me well today.Read More »
I’ve spent some of this morning reading blogs and articles from various psychology with a tag of of “psychology,” and I find myself disturbed. Not disturbed in a way the band name is suggesting or in a way that many of the psychology sites might seem to suggest. No, I am disturbed in a way that one is disturbed when watching a Die Antwoord video. Inspired and put off at the same time. What is the reason for this disturbance. In a word, perspective.Read More »